I wanted to write a short and snappy post about dealing with stress. Lately I have found myself under immense pressure at work and things haven't been going my way. I won't elaborate any further, other than saying it's been very difficult and quite upsetting. A lot of my friends noticed this and reached out to me, sending me messages and asking what was wrong, and a lot of them took offence at the fact that I didn't reply. I want to explain.
I'm the sort of person that tries to help people, I always have been. I like to try and make people feel better and a lot of my friends know that they can come to me to vent and rant, and I don't mind that at all. However, I do not like venting or ranting when I'm stressed. I'll get it all out to my mum, and then I'll pass on some refined details to my boyfriend, and after that I'm just fed up of talking about it. I find it difficult to talk about myself, positively or negatively, hence why when I chat to people, it's usually about them and not me. If I'm going through a tough time, I find it particularly hard to articulate this. I just don't like that sort of attention. While I appreciate peoples' concern and I feel lucky to have so many messages flooding in from people wanting to be there for me, I just can't bring myself to explain what is happening. Once I'm feeling a little better about it all, that's when I'll open up, but in a very nonchalant, "it's all good now" way. Please accept that about me.
It's actually not very often that I do get upset or stressed out, I'm a pretty stable person. I'm quite self-assured and generally enjoy life, so I think it's been very alarming for my friends to see me in such a state lately, but please know that there's nothing you can do. Actually, the best thing you can do is send me that message to let me know you're thinking of me, but please don't pressure me to respond. The last thing I need is for people to start producing more problems for me by taking my inactivity on imessage or Facebook messenger seriously. I deal with things privately, it's just who I am. It doesn't help me to get my feelings out, not about something serious, because then all I'm doing is thinking about that negative situation more and more. When I come home, I want to switch off and that's hard to do as it is, never mind if I've got to explain it all to lots of people. Also, it's been a pretty helpless situation. Nobody can step in and make it better, though my parents (who are very protective) have wanted to. It's been something I've had to endure and deal with, and now I'm feeling a lot better about it.
Be assured that if I need you, I will reach out to you, but there's no point me doing that if it isn't going to help. I will always tell the people that need to know - so I'll tell my mum and she can then tell my dad, and we'll discuss it over tea with Joe, because they live with me. They look after me and they need to know how I am because they come into immediate contact with me. With Matthew, I tell him a lot about it so he understands if i don't message him back, because with us being long distance, we rely on that communication. Honestly, I haven't had much time for him either these last few weeks, but luckily he has been totally understanding and has just caught me when I've had the time and have felt up the chatting. I need that kind of support from my friends too. I get that it must be hard, if I'm just not responding to your messages and you're really worried about me, but I'm telling you now that it's how I want to deal with things. You can't help me, messaging you won't help me, and I have lacked the energy or the time to explain all of the horrible feelings I've had lately. Please don't take it personally and don't resent me, if you can help it. That only makes me feel worse. Just know that once I'm ready, I'll give you an explanation and until then, I'm not ready to talk about it with you.
Small things I can chat about, like if things are annoying me, but lately I have really been struggling and it's more than just petty annoyances. For some reason, I just can't open up about that sort of thing. I spend eight hours of my day a nervous wreck over it all, when I get home, I want to try and calm down.
Luckily, my observation on Friday has put me in a much better mood. I was graded 'Outstanding' in my lesson and now have two weeks to get re-organised, but also to have fun. I have plans to meet up with lots of friends and now feel as if I'm ready to do that.
People deal with things in different ways and I'm entitled to manage my problems how I deem best. I won't be made to feel bad for it, that's not fair. I understand that my silence may have caused a lot of confusion for my friends, but I've now explained that, so I ask that in future that you respect my choices and accept my methods. Please don't take it personally or make it about you, it's not, it's about me. It's been a tough seven weeks but onto better things now!
I really felt the need to put this into writing because I can now see how people feel. While I was suffering, I was honestly blind to everybody else. I understand now though that people are concerned and are reading into things, but there's no need. Trust me!
Thank you to everyone who has messaged me, from the girls (and Oli) on my PGCE course, to uni friends, and friends from home. It's so comforting to know I have your support, and I apologise if I've offended or upset you. Just understand that it hasn't been deliberate and if it ever happens again, it won't be deliberate then either. It's just me. Anyway, I have so much to look forward to in the coming weeks that I couldn't possibly feel so miserable anymore. After a lovely catch up with Kate last night, and tea out this evening with Lydia, I'm going to Liverpool, Leeds and London all within the next fourteen days! I'll definitely be blogging about those experiences because it really does help me to write and preserve those happy memories, so look out for the posts. Thank you again.